Most people are well intentioned, basically good spirited right?
It’s the thinking about someone besides yourself part that is harder to accomplish in a world where it is so tempting, easy to take credit for what is going good in your life. And to point a finger at who is responsible when rocky stretches, valleys, twists and turns happen to you.
When you put people together and interaction happens the day to day can be strained. We are not talking dating when each person in a relationship can go to their respective homes to do their own thing.
In marriage or full time relationships there has to be an all out effort to experience oneness, unity.
Decisions made that affect both partners. Before marriage or a full time committment, no decisions need to be made and everything is light, bright, free and easy in dating.
Decision making can be one stumbling block because of our role models growing up. That’s the natural example to follow, our Mom and Dad if we were lucky enough to have a pair. If either ran the house with an iron fist, a critical spirit, than the other mate might have been reduced to treatment on par as just another child not an equal valuable partner.
In a household dominant or passive patterns of either parent can cause resentment between the partners and among the children in that marriage.
In any marriage encouragement, affirmation and believing in the other person, someone, something besides yourself must happen. And during disagreements, pulling back, not engaging, causing confrontation and taking it to God. Rather than trying to fix, tackle the disruption or diffuse the frustration on your own with a short fuse should happen right?
Surrender, dying to self and not thinking you have to try to save face with your kids.
Defending yourself does not have to be the self preservation survival approach that becomes your automatic default method to cope. Anger, control comes from the self, ego and age old hurts, tender spots. Can be a carry over of primitive fight or flight mechanism pattern from the caveman days too. Tinkering on relationships is so critical to make them last and Maine is the place to do it.
Something small or petty does not mean drawing a line in the sand. Or making everything life and death. Agreeing to disagree but surrendering, not pushing your own agenda means you and your mate don’t label actions, thoughts, feelings as right or wrong. They are differences that we should celebrate not try to rub out or discourage. Wise words I did not always always adhere to but did not understand the process when things heated up, got tense.
The sweetest gentleless church member I attended last Sunday night services with testified about her marriage skills, dynamics.
Her husband and her brother were at the kitchen table that morning and admitted they both had anger issues, tempers. And she said she, her sister in law found the best approach was not to engage, have a sharp tongue to point out their anger or faults. But to look down, withdraw until the men realized what they were doing that was wrong, destructive. Not to add to the chaos, turmoil.
Both ladies had learned their mates would catch themselves and be quicker to stop engagement, anger. The men saw their destructive pattern with greater clarity, quicker if the ladies did not become enraged, angry themselves or get up in arms. Adding to the confusion, harsh treatment that robs your inner peace and is mean, nasty and hits like a fist.
Control is boring, insecure and pompous. I and many other men, women will admit now we have sought control when we should have surrendered, submitted and worked out guts out at all costs for unity, oneness during disagreements.
Whole different level approach bigger than just the husband and wife’s concerns. Taken to an entirely higher holier level.
Everyone in your life, family, relationships is valuable. We are all equals but that does not mean we are identical. Thank goodness for differences which does not mean deficiencies. You and I have lots, plenty of good qualities. But they disappear if unity in relationship decision making is absent for too long. You can not have two competing head of households and your kids will run from that fruitless tug of war cut the tension with a knife, tip toeing in a household mine field. Get on your knees, your nose in the Bible and cry out for help, guidance and submit, surrender to God, the process, each other.
The Biblical pattern for decision making is to seek oneness, unity, agreement.
Give and take and both of the partners recognizing movement toward the center. Wanting it, realizing we are no longer in junior high. And if a deeper, loving, kinder relationship to enjoy greater inner peace and harmony is to happen, doesn’t it depend on our hard work to achieve unity not finger pointing or squabbling or ego gratification, justification?
Some soul searching to see your role in the quest to the partnership’s unity, oneness of spirit to make it the best it can be? To recoginize your role, not your mates? Keep your eyes on your own paper. Work on you. I need to look to God for guidance after admitting my own faults, tendencies right?
Daily study, searching for answers and accountability with your pastor, church, family is the only direction to consistently take. Why didn’t I see it before? Pride, male ego, way too much busyness in life and just missing the mark totally. Having the wrong priorities. Part of the blindness, stubborness goes back to my role modeling too.
Admission is the start of correction. Ownership, surrender and following Christ daily is the only way improvement is going to happen. So I am the same inside the four walls of my family home as I am on the street, in public. Honesty, not hiding, racing or blaming others for my own sin, faults, lack of knowledge or skills to do my part better.
Submission is a mutual exercise.
Give and take in decision making responsibilities when unity is not easily achieved is needed right? Both the husband and wife contribute to the good, bad and ugly of the relationship but having the skills, understanding the process is key. Takes work. Or don’t. Just keep the lazy blaming of the other in the relationship for not getting it and let a stone wall of no communication cause the water log of resentment to flood the marriage. Not what you want your kids to see, emulate in their relationships. It is way beyond you and me and more sacred than that. Men in marriages can learn from my mistakes, shortcomings and ignorance.
Happy Easter and thank you followers, readers of the Me In Maine blog posts. One regular reader shares…
“Many thanks again for the things you have shared in MeInMaine blog. I pray that God will bless you and your family through it. Being able to be a bystander and read how God has and is working has helped me and I think others too who read. It must. For me it helps to think back through life to what’s really important but also to things that I’ve swept under the carpet and gone on with life instead of resolving.
And of course those things — the junk — are still there even though we forget about them in the day to day, and it affects life and the way we act towards others until those things are surrendered to God who allowed it to be a part of our life, so that His grace could abound through it. So it’s caused me to think through and surrender specific things to God that I never had before.
Many thanks for willingness to share thoughts in blog posts. It probably is not easy to do, but I believe God has used it, probably in a lot of ways in others lives.”
Maine, a simple approach to living and a place where people share, care, reach out to each other.