Yesterday, February 14th all about wearing red, spiking sugar levels with delectable chocolates, the mad dash rush for roses by the dozen.
Handwritten cards trying to accomplish the how do I love you, let me count the ways. Sparkling, faceted presents in little hinged velvet covered, silk interior slotted boxes.
Candlelight romantic dinners, wardrobes of little black dresses, leather and lace. Flutes of bubbly, grape juice. (Record screech sound, SADE or Chris Isaak background music halts abruptly.) Hear the pin drop in the silence?
Singles Awareness Day, does the term make you think of Misfit Island where one elf wants to be a dentist?
Alone. Not in a couple, relationship partnership for lots of reasons.
But it does not mean unhappy. Or should not be wanting to be with someone, anyone to just avoid being, doing time alone.
As Mae West said.. “I’m single because I was born that way.” Or Jay Leno quips yesterday “Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.” And from behind the green shimmering sequined curtain The Wizard of Oz reports, this just in “Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
Or one more “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”
That from Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex in the City” who treats it like the porridge. Wait for the one that’s just right like Goldie did. Keep walking. Searching. Living. Paying close attention. Taking very good notes. With no regrets or looking back. Stumbling, tripping over the past. It’s about patience.
Not in a relationship by choice reasons can be sheer fear driven. Marriage. One person. Forever. That’s a little unnerving, BOO, scarey.
Or you’ve tied the knot, given it a whirl. Have the kids to prove it. And just want to finish the job of getting them raised. Out of the nest safe and sound.
Not pushed out prematurely because of a bad blend of two families, tension. Coupled with a brand new relationship adjustment loaded with opening baggage pieces to juggle.
That’s not Brady Bunch smooth, wrinkle free, fun with Alice.
But tailspins, black smoke pouring out the rear end in the steep accelerating screaming dive. Going south shortly after the second I do. With some kids saying “I won’t”. Digging in their heels. Attended the wedding, in the photo proofs but not hook, line and sinker part of the ceremony. Some that will go to their graves in old age wishing, dreaming, hoping their real Mom and Dad reunite, hold hands again. Play footsies. The failure rate of second marriages with two opposing benches of kids on the playing field 72% for lost yardage, game ending penalties in the first two years. Ouch.
It does not mean to be cynical either.
Like Peter Wolf in J Geils. His raspy voice broad brush horsely singing. Summing up the entire process with the warm gushing feeling lub dub ends up being “Love sucks”.
Or is congratulations, you just you have found another way to bleed. When the new and different, we talk all the time freshness ten day plates get unscrewed. The made in a prison ones get bolted on way too tightly with lock washers.
Tired. Because relationships need weeding, feeding, watering. And if it is not a friendly division of duties, back and forth on the teetering totter, someone gets drained. Empty, bankrupt. Then (dark cloud rolls over, rumble of approaching thunderbolts charging) resentment. Here it comes. Incoming. Take shelter. Walking on egg shells, tip toe mine field time. You forgot to date your mate. Should have done, gone into the relationship counseling upfront. Before you both realized you needed it but way way too late.
Do this or it is over gun to your head ultimatums don’t make it free and easy. Friendly.
And that kind of “I love you if..” conditional codicil twist to the vows up front before all your family and friends does not have a happily ever after ending. To the life together union where each stays individual but weaves roots, tree limbs intertwined, laced together. To be better off paired, than each could ever hope to pull off alone. Not putting the fun in dysfunction with Alt J’s “she’s morphine, the queen of my vaccine” either. Desperate for all the wrong reasons to keep her in his life to dull his past emotional pain.
Expectations, unmet needs, the previous defensive relationship faux pas, over correction, ownership of the role each plays. And the biggest wrecking ball of relationships, pride.
If one partner microscopes the other.
Finds the flaws we all have and makes it lop sided you are the sole reason for rough seas, that is not a partnership. And exhaustive to the point that partner can turn themselves inside out. Forget who they are. To try to make the other happy. You can not make someone happy. That is a full time job your highness. Eyes on your own paper. Change you, and stop praying that God does the other.
Sometimes it is a break, getting to know yourself better and loving being alone.
Because some think, like Michael Douglas of Fatal Attraction fame that “Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” Unless you are being stalked. Looking over your shoulder for the other half of it takes two. When the last relationship ends badly. And like it or not, you are still connected by a single tough strand of rusted barbed wire. Scrapping, chaffing your wrist or hooked to your ankle. And you hope you don’t have to gnaw it off, loose a limb to get away. Make the break from the date.
The National Association of REALTORS shows one third of homes are being bought by single people.
Who some say singles are more fun to be around then their married friends that are not so out going, so social and spontaneous.
Maybe it is as simple as the cat being on the wrong side of the door. Wanting whatever he does not have. The dog with the bone eying that of another that seems to be worth the dropping, replacing exercise.
Work hard, you are as joyful, content as you want to be inside first and last. You should not be chasing happiness that does not live outside your inner thoughts. Wherever you find yourself, make it over the top. The best it can be for you, others. And blessed, lucky enough to be in a relationship where both partners think they are matched with someone way out of my league.
Where each thinks they got some kinda lucky. Each landed the better end of the bargain. Both wonder why and bask in that sunshine of appreciation.
Happy Singles Awareness Day if the shoe fits.